BRAINSTEW

8/23/2014

my boyfriend will be here in less than 48 hours, but all i can feel is sad.

i am so, so excited. i can’t wait.

but all i feel is sad anymore.

i feel like i’m going nowhere.

i genuinely believe that i’m not smart or dedicated enough for further schooling

and where will i be without that?

dead end job, never see the world, end up divorced with too many kids.

that’s the only future i see for myself if i can’t get myself out of this funk.

my worst fear is that moving in together will not be the life-saving change that i need.

what if it leads to more sadness? i don’t know how much more i can take.

i hate this state, and i want out.

i want to be back with my friends, i want everything to go back to the way it was.

but i know it can’t be that way; i’m not happy without him, and he’s not happy there. his happiness is my number one priority.

and the thing is, for once in my life, that’s not an unhealthy thing.

i used to be so co-dependent on everyone i would meet. i felt the need to be in constant contact with them; i craved 100% of their attention, all the time.

but with him… his happiness is my happiness. when he smiles, my world is brighter. i know it’s cheesy, but why deny the truth?

i still want his attention, but in healthy doses. he has his space, and i have mine.

i am at war over whether this is the right decision. there are so many factors. happiness, convenience, money… money money money. unfortunately, that is the biggest factor that controls the entire decision. 

for the first time in my life, i truly have my finances under control.

and if i fall back into the hole of living paycheck to paycheck, my last shred of sanity will explode and take down everything and everyone surrounding it.

will he pull it together? i don’t know. it’s not up to me, and only time can tell. unfortunately, we’re both impatient. we want this now. i want the feeling of doing something adventurous and impulsive. he wants out of his situation.

are we doing it for the right reasons? maybe. maybe not. it’s really hard to tell at this point; i think the only way to know for sure is to just… do it. jump. give ourselves to the universe and let it do it’s thing.

if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just try to make it out with as little shrapnel as possible.

i have faith.

i want to make it work.

but alas, i’m not a mind reader. so time will tell if i’m alone in my faith.

Even when you

were at your worst,

and I cut my hands

wide open

from picking up

your broken pieces,

I still loved you.


Connotativewords | jl | Even More (via connotativewords)

(via mockingdream-deactivated2014083)

6/24/2014

one day, i hope to tell my grandchildren, “we met in a movie theater, and i would say it was love at first sight, if i believed in such things.”

6/3/14

i’m so fucking homesick for you.

5/24/14

i’m regressing into my former self.

the depression is back in full force. i don’t want to go anywhere or do anything anymore, nothing sounds appealing. i feel like a hollow shell.

i’m having a hard time connecting with the people i love. it’s so difficult, being so far away and trying to stay in the loop, trying to keep them interested in me. i can’t stop worrying that one day, every one of them will forget me or find a reason to stop caring.

i don’t talk to anyone. not even my family, really. i have zero connections at work, and i think that’s why i hate it so much. it wouldn’t be so bad if i had a friend or two to break the monotony. but i’m too fucking scared of rejection to even attempt a conversation.

happiness seems so far away. i’m having doubts even about when i move back. where should i live? where will i work? what if i just end up in the exact same situation as before?

it’s terrifying. it keeps me up at night.

i need to get out of the house and stop being such a hermit. i need to reconnect with the people in my life, and make new connections as well. i know i can do it, it’s just about finding the motivation.

fucking anxiety, just go away and let me live my life.