i feel so tired.
how much longer can i survive like this.
my life has fallen into an unbearable routine of fake smiles and constant uncertainty.
it’s tearing me apart, and i can feel the structures of my sanity crumbling beneath my feet like sand.
i need his touch
and i need their friendship.
i need it now.
i cannot wait until september.
it will wrest every last happy piece from my soul and smother them with doubt and fear.
i don’t know what to do.
this feeling is a physical ache inside my chest
and it grows every day.
i don’t want to be consumed, i am terrified.
i need help.
i don’t know what i’m doing with my life
i have no motivation
… well. there’s one person that gets me going.
but i know how unhealthy it is to put all your eggs in one basket, so that’s part of the problem
i have so much stress in my life
stress, worry, procrastination, anger, and depression
i worry myself about him so much that it drives me to tears
i procrastinate not only the important things, but things that i want to do, like playing video games or making food
i have so much anger towards my job, my family and my situation
and it all comes together at once and punches me in the face, which brings on the depression
i don’t know what i want to do anymore
i want to live with him
but i need my own space
i want to get a full time job and start making better money
but i need to have time for college in the fall
i want to stay here and experience new things
but i miss my friends so much that i can hardly even function.
i used to have a clear vision of what i wanted my life to be, but now i’m not so sure.
all my needs and wants are tangled and confused beyond all recognition.
i don’t know what to feel
or what to do with myself
i thought i would be in such a different place by now
but i am still just surviving
how long until i can say i am thriving?
i start to wonder if i’ll even make it that long.
a miracle with blue eyes stares back at me behind the screen.
"write something for me," he says.
what he doesn’t know is that i write novels for him every night.
the words in my head could fill thousands of pages,
i find myself unable to translate these indomitable emotions.
there are two things i love most in the world,
and this human being.
in my head, they combine into one.
he is a collage made of pages from the dictionary:
inspiring an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration; causing or inducing awe: an awesome sight.
having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind.
adjective, strang·er, strang·est.
unusual, extraordinary, or curious; odd.
these are only three of the words and definitions i see mapping his skin; they cover him, end to end.
i see a future with him like i see with no other; i see houses and dogs, a silver ring and a bassinet, and two old rocking chairs pointed toward the west.
we are young; too young to think of such things, this much is true.
but you cannot hold me back from my dreams, and this is what i see when i close my eyes at night.
i will dream until i see it come true, years into our future.
all i can think about is how i miss his arms.
"i’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday."
you are my home,
and i’ve never been more homesick in my life.
happiness is impossible until the moment we share the same air once more.
until then, i wait, and i dream.
goodnight, my love.
dream of me, too.