there is not a single person in this universe who cares about me the way I thought they did.
it is either more, or a whole lot less.
in a matter of two days, I have gone from five potential dating partners, to zero.
and the thing is… it’s affecting me a whole lot less than I thought it would.
I could let this get to me. less than a year ago, it would have gnawed and clawed at me until it reached my soul to tear me apart.
but now. all I feel is… numb.
and I don’t care.
I don’t want to care.
none of them are worth anything to me anymore.
well… maybe one. but he was never really a sure thing.
so now, I am free to worry about the more important things in my life.
on a happier note, my grandma told me today that my mother is worried about me.
I don’t know why that surprised me so much.
part of me just thought that they were glad to be rid of me. I stopped being the favorite child a long time ago, after all.
maybe it’s even that my grandmother is projecting her own worry onto my mother.
but that part of me has to hope that she really does care on more than just a “I have to because she’s my child” level.
there’s a lot of conflicting emotions going on in my head right now.
they all revolve around moving to arizona.
I want to, but there will always be the stubborn part of me that hates admitting defeat. and it’s keeping me from being happy with the decision.
it is definitely the best thing for me.
but I will miss my friends, and I will miss Salt Lake.
I don’t want to leave the mountains behind.
and the thought of driving away from my friendships is like a bullet in my heart.
maybe I’m being dramatic, but I feel they won’t miss me.
maybe a little bit.
but not as much as best friends should.
we’ve grown apart, as much as we’re all afraid to admit it.
and that makes me sad.
but it made this tough decision just a little bit easier.
it’s time for me to move on with life.
new horizons, new opportunities, new relationships, and a new outlook on life.
that is what awaits me in Arizona.
i really am nothing more than just a giant piece of shit.