BRAINSTEW

4/9/13

i can’t do this anymore.

my life is in a downwards spiral…

i have $324 in my bank account, and i owe $356 for my car loan. my parents gave me money, but every last cent of it went to other bills on the day that i got it. the expenses crept up on me, and it was gone.

i thought i would be okay this month because of my tax refund, so i splurged on my pet snake. now i found out that i won’t receive my refund until the end of the month; i’m an idiot.

not to mention the tank is too fucking big; i wish i could afford a smaller one. and i need to feed him tomorrow; please god, let the mice be under $10.

my lease is up at the end of july, and my roommate is moving out. she pays $370 for the room, plus $100+ in utilities; i’m barely getting by only paying $330. not to mention the rent is going to go up with the new lease.

i know i can move somewhere else… but it’s going to be so goddamn hard. it was hard enough the first time, getting everything together and moving it. but now, it’s going to be 500x worse emotionally.

there was an underlying sense of happiness when i was moving out of my parents’ house… but there will be no happiness in this. only defeat.

anywhere i go is not going to be as nice as where i am now; i will have to share a bathroom with a stranger, and that’s something i’m not used to. for the past twelve or so years, i have had my own bathroom, and i have a lot of stuff. i don’t know if i’ll fit, let alone how well i can cope. i don’t like sharing space; i like my privacy, especially in a place that i’m supposed to call home.

robby is so distant… he doesn’t seem to understand emotion; just like every other guy on the planet, right? he tries to understand, and i know he wants nothing more than for me to be happy… but in the end, his distance when i’m in these sort of moods just brings me down even more.

i miss my mommy. i’m not even going to try to deny that. true, we never really talked. but i knew, when i needed her, she was there. in my moments of despair, she reached out. and she didn’t answer her phone earlier… i needed her…

…. and for the second time today, i am crying at work.

i want to say more, but my shift is ending. i have to go. i have to hold it all in and put on a brave face.

i want it all to stop. i want to hang up my coat and say, “it’s time to say goodbye.”

but i’ve always been a fighter.

i can’t give up.