love is a different and strange emotion.
it’s both complicated and simple.
it’s everything all at once.
take all your basic emotions,
happiness. he makes me smile and laugh like no other person in the world can.
sadness. when i watched him walk into the airport after a very short week, my heart settled into a corner deep in my chest that felt like it was made of barbed wire and despair.
hatred. when i found out he had lost his job, i wanted to hunt down the scammer who caused it and the corporate asshole who decided to stick the blame on someone who didn’t know any better.
surprise. he still amazes me with all sorts of little gifts and signs of affection. sometimes he’ll mention something that he remembers about me that i talked about a long, long time ago, and it makes me feel so good to know that he cares enough to recall those small details.
and it is so much more beyond that.
it’s impossible to describe.
it’s the closest thing to magic that the world will ever have.
and i’m so happy to have my own little piece.
my boyfriend will be here in less than 48 hours, but all i can feel is sad.
i am so, so excited. i can’t wait.
but all i feel is sad anymore.
i feel like i’m going nowhere.
i genuinely believe that i’m not smart or dedicated enough for further schooling
and where will i be without that?
dead end job, never see the world, end up divorced with too many kids.
that’s the only future i see for myself if i can’t get myself out of this funk.
my worst fear is that moving in together will not be the life-saving change that i need.
what if it leads to more sadness? i don’t know how much more i can take.
i hate this state, and i want out.
i want to be back with my friends, i want everything to go back to the way it was.
but i know it can’t be that way; i’m not happy without him, and he’s not happy there. his happiness is my number one priority.
and the thing is, for once in my life, that’s not an unhealthy thing.
i used to be so co-dependent on everyone i would meet. i felt the need to be in constant contact with them; i craved 100% of their attention, all the time.
but with him… his happiness is my happiness. when he smiles, my world is brighter. i know it’s cheesy, but why deny the truth?
i still want his attention, but in healthy doses. he has his space, and i have mine.
i am at war over whether this is the right decision. there are so many factors. happiness, convenience, money… money money money. unfortunately, that is the biggest factor that controls the entire decision.
for the first time in my life, i truly have my finances under control.
and if i fall back into the hole of living paycheck to paycheck, my last shred of sanity will explode and take down everything and everyone surrounding it.
will he pull it together? i don’t know. it’s not up to me, and only time can tell. unfortunately, we’re both impatient. we want this now. i want the feeling of doing something adventurous and impulsive. he wants out of his situation.
are we doing it for the right reasons? maybe. maybe not. it’s really hard to tell at this point; i think the only way to know for sure is to just… do it. jump. give ourselves to the universe and let it do it’s thing.
if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just try to make it out with as little shrapnel as possible.
i have faith.
i want to make it work.
but alas, i’m not a mind reader. so time will tell if i’m alone in my faith.
one day, i hope to tell my grandchildren, “we met in a movie theater, and i would say it was love at first sight, if i believed in such things.”