BRAINSTEW

6/11/12

things are…

different, now.

very different.

it’s new, and it’s strange to me.

i don’t like change. i like routine, i like knowing what is going on and what is happening in my life, and in my head.

but now, things have changed.

are still changing, to be exact.

it’s like i’m on a winding staircase…

up and up it goes, and i’m not quite sure where i’m at anymore.

maybe i’m in the middle. maybe i’m almost to the end. or maybe there’s still many more steps to come.

but i think… this change will be good.

i know one thing at least: the thing i’ve been complaining about for the past few months?

her?

alex?

… i’m done. i am over her.

and i’m not just saying that. i am completely, 100 percent, never want to go back to that ever again, over her.

i feel like i deserve a fucking round of applause.

that process, of figuring out where i stood on my feelings for her…

… god, it was hell on earth.

so now, thank god that i am out of the woods and finally seeing the light.

i’ve moved on to bigger and better things…

but…

some of those things kind of scare me a little bit.

example a: him.

… yeah. him.

it feels… really weird to be saying that.

i’ve struggled with my sexuality for years now. up until around the age of sixteen, i didn’t even know what “gay” meant, and therefore assumed that i was straight. i had crushes on guys, acted just like every other straight girl. but then, i discovered the world of homosexuality. and i thought, “maybe i’m bisexual…” that thought quickly developed into “i am a lesbian,” the year that i met alex. and i maintained that frame of mind until a few months ago, until i realized… maybe i shouldn’t limit myself. maybe i am still attracted to guys.

i can safely say now that i identify as queer.

queer: like pansexual, but with even fewer boundaries.

i don’t like being reined in. i don’t like being told what to do and who i should be.

so yes. queer is the right word for me.

however, i kind of still have an aversion to dick.

is that an issue? i have no fucking clue.

i wish i had a therapist who knew about things like this, ‘cause some clarity on the situation would be awesome.

but like… i don’t know. penis-in-vagina doesn’t seem like, disgusting or anything. it actually sounds quite appealing. but the sight of a dick (yay porn) makes me gag. i don’t like the way they look, and the thought of it ever coming anywhere near my face makes me wanna puke.

so what does that make me? a fail-queer?

idfk.

i really need someone to talk to about this, really fucking bad, but i don’t know anyone who might understand.

i feel really alone.

are there hotlines for this kind of thing…? maybe there are. i’m going to have to do some research.

but yeah. anyways. getting back to my original train of thought.

him.

he’s like… i don’t even know. he’s awesome. he’s hilarious. he’s good looking. we have a lot of similar tastes.

but…

(there always has to be a ‘but’, doesn’t there? ugh.)

he apparently has quite a few “lady friends”.

and that terrifies me.

i’m not good enough… i’m not pretty enough… why would he ever choose me?

i feel like we’ve kind of been flirting. i definitely have, and he seems to respond, but maybe that’s just his personality? maybe he’s just a natural flirt?

i have no fucking clue.

god, why does life have to be so complicated.

i just want to be with him… or someone, at least… someone who will love me and cherish me, like i’ve loved and cherished so many others.

just once… i’d like someone to return that love…

my heart hurts so badly, thinking about these things.

i don’t know if i’ll ever find someone.

i really don’t.

and it just… it scares the shit out of me.

that’s what it comes down to, i suppose.

i’m terrified that he doesn’t want me.

just like so many others in the past.

i really wish i could get some goddamn answers…

ugh.

fuck my life sometimes, honestly.

t——-, if it turns out you’re just being a flirty little ass who isn’t actually interested… i’m gonna cut your dick off. >:(

end of discussion.